d* and i have a group of friends from college. when we moved back to the east coast, we picked up our friendship where it left off. which was that we got drunk together a lot. and it was really really fun. for a while.

for about 6-8 months. after that, we were like...you know. staying out til 4AM is fun once in a while. but it is getting pretty old.

and we tried to do some non-boozing events with them but they never worked out. and even when they did. we didn't really like them very much. or something.

there's really 3 main people. k*, a* & d*. and i really do love them all. but they are all stunted. it's like they're 22 forever. they still do coke, only k* has a "career", k* and a* have been dating for years but aren't getting along because neither of them will work on it... but they love us and we do care about them. which is partially why we can't be around them.

PLUS. i am always the organizer. this is my own damned problem as i've done it my whole life and la therapista and i are working on this one. but they all get really whiny when they don't see us. but they don't often call to invite us places either. like, every weekend all summer they go to d*'s house in the hamptons and we are just supposed to invite ourselves along. and if we don't, then we are not there enough for them.

oh. and none of them have made any new friends since college. 10 years ago.

so, last january, we started to pull away. we re-connected with some of our other friends, made new friends, started staying home more...

and k* started whining that she never saw me. and i would invite her to things but it was never enough (this is a separate problem that i have which is that i seem to attract people that need more than i can give - although i've done better with this in the last 3 years or so). she takes advantage of me and whines when i don't give her enough.

ANYWAY.

they're always all over us about drinking and about being lame and blah blah blah and trying to peer pressure us to be like them. and we just can't do it anymore.

but k* and i, when we can, were still pretty close and i would invite her to yankees games, see her for drinks, etc.

so then this summer i have the miscarriage and she's there for me and helpful as much as she can be. and then 9/11 happens. and shortly after, i give her a GREAT seat to the yankees first home game after 9/11 and we go. and she tells me that she's pregnant AGAIN and that she's having an abortion AGAIN. and that she knows it is a lot for her to ask for me to be supportive of her but she needs me. and oh, that she's just super-fertile and can't help getting knocked up all the time (although in both instances, the condom broke).

i tell her honestly that i can't be there for her on this one. and that i didn't think it was fair for her to ask me to be. beyond the PTSD i was having from 9/11, i was still pretty raw about the miscarriage. and was just in no shape to emotionally take care of anyone else.

which she seemed to understand at the time.

so 2 weeks pass and i am working on getting back to normal. i check in with her via IM a few times. and then we go to ireland. and we come back and i find out i'm pregnant. and, i think understandably, my focus shifts a bit for a few weeks.

early november comes and she invites me on a wednesday for her birthday party on friday (which is really hard since we make plans pretty far out anyway) and we say no. mostly because the party is 100% drinking and we are unprepared to share the news with the world. and if we go and we both don't smoke or drink, then we've shared the news.

and she snaps and starts saying i am a shitty friend for never seeing her - although i asked her to see a movie the next day or have an early dinner and she never called. and how i didn't support her during her abortion (which happened right before we went to ireland) and so forth. and how i wasn't there for her after the 11th.

i think we work it out. but then i organize a chick night. and she replies that she will come and adds a snide "i didn't know you still lived in the area". so i IM her about it and she gets all over me again.

now she's having more problems with a*. and she's whining to other friends which sucks for them since i seem to have transfered my responsibilities to someone else. and sends out an email about needing a place. so i email her back and say "wish i could help, the only person i know with good apartment karma is a* and you're already talking to her..." and she sent me back this snippy email.

so i don't know what my problem is really. i don't need this. i don't need to be someone's entire support network. but i really do like her when she is not being a big baby. i feel like i have tried to be honest with her. i feel like i am being put on the spot and required to be something i'm not and i feel pressured.

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