on wednesday i woke up and for the first time in this pregnancy, i felt sure that everything was okay.

the status quo for how i feel is normally neutral. on a good day. on a bad day, i think the baby is dead. or will die. or just wanders to the bad possibilities. slow growth, deformation, pre-eclampsyia (which i don't even know what it is)... i worry if i feel something, worry if i don't, worry is it okay, worry am i okay?

but wednesday, i woke up and just knew. from a place i'd never felt before, that everything is okay. the baby is fine. it's moving enough, not moving enough. i am gaining enough weight. or not enough weight. everything is fine.

that doesn't mean that i don't get scared. my monthly appointment is tonight and a small bit of me says "what if..." and then the part that KNEW the other day, that part kicks in and says "the baby is fine."

it's a new feeling. and it's quite wonderful. it's how i imagine first-time mothers who never had a miscarriage feel more often than not.

the past 18 weeks, i have wished, once again, that i didn't think so much. that i didn't pay so much attention. that i was able to just live some ordinary and delusional life.

this is bigger than the pregnancy of course. it's one of my root issues. too much thinking, too much analysis, too much anxiety.

but for one moment, i trusted my gut. and it said the baby is fine.

and i believe it.

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