I cried in the midwives office yesterday because M* is no longer inside me. Being pregnant is exhausting and scary and overwhelming but it is also amazing. It is a once in a lifetime experience to be pregnant for the first time.

I barely knew she was there for at least half the pregnancy. The only thing that reminded me of her presence was my widening hips and insatiable appetite for pasta. That, and the distinct lack of cigarettes in my life.

But then she moved. And from then on, it was just the two of us. Sure I tried to share it with my husband. But all day, every day, it was me and her. Having adventures, going to work, staying up all night... Just the two of us.

And she made herself known more and more until I couldn't see past her, literally.

And then one day, she was gone. She was in my arms. But she was no longer in my body. And I felt alone. Alone and a bit sad. She will never be inside me again. I will never feel that way again. Next time, M* will be on the outside demanding things from me. And someone else will be on the inside. But it will never be like it was.

I love her so much. I wish for just one moment I could go back and feel it again. Feel the way she moved inside. I feel like I didn't capture it enough, like I can't remember, and now I'm empty in my belly.

Did I treasure being pregnant enough? I don't think I did. I enjoyed it, sure, but it was SO AMAZING. It was so overpowering at times. I was growing life. And people would see how I was doing every day. And I had midwives' visits. And we made sure she was okay. And I heard her heartbeat inside me every month and then every other week and then every week. I heard her heart beat inside me.

And then I went back yesterday for my post-natal checkup. And they didn't check her heartbeat. Because it now beats alone.

She needs me more than ever. But her heart beats outside.

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