last night on the train home i realized something. there are a hundred ways in which my life is different every day than it was last year.

i haven't commuted into or out of the city in over a year without imagining what would happen if (when) the transit is attacked.

last night i was on the F and it stopped above ground past carroll street as it always does. and, as always happens, my mind immediately went to think of the bomb underneath the train scenario wherein i fall to my death with all these other people.

when i drive in, if there's the slightest change in the tunnel (a light goes out/on, traffic stops, they close a lane), i am paralyzed with fear that THIS IS IT. this is the day i die on my way into work.

i change up how i go to work. in case. you know. because last time a change in my routine saved my life. so now i hate to have a routine. i come in super early or super late. i change trains. i'm cheating death every day.

when i am walking anywhere, if i hear a plane, i immediately look up to see if it's headed down.

when i am driving out near the airport, i am constantly checking to see if planes are crashing.

i never wear uncomfortable shoes without having a pair of shoes i could walk 10 miles in available.

i don't worry about my cell phone anymore since the last time it was rendered useless. now i carry at least $2 in quarters at all times.

i have mentally mapped out how i will get out of the city depending on which bridges are bombed.

i know where i will go if i can't get off the island.

i never let myself have less than a full tank of gas. i have 5 gallons in the basement because i cannot get to rhode island on one tank and if all the gas stations are closed, i will need to figure out how to do it on one tank.

so far this morning, that's all i can think of...

i think that's just plenty.

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