"I really need to know how you're doing this work/baby thing because I'm about to go there, too. I know just about all there is to know about babies (used to be a nanny) but I'm only now starting to hit my stride at work and I don't know how the hell I'll do both. So. Write about that. How is this done?"

One thing I think has helped make this work for me is the pumping/nursing. I never thought I would breastfeed past 6 weeks, nevermind 6 months. I thought it would be too hard. But what it's done for me is make this easier, not more complex.

First, we share a bed. So night feeding is as easy as rolling over and feeding her. The ONLY thing that's tough about that is that there's no way for my husband to share the night care while I'm nursing.

Second, when I am at work, it FORCES me to relax and think about her two or three times a day. It lowers my stress level (except when I worry about not producing enough). And, it helps me feel like I'm doing everything I possibly can for her. I'm not able to be with her during the day, but I can make food for her when I'm not with her.

Lastly, it makes it easier and emotionally comforting when I come home at night to reconnect with her. We're still this tight little unit once I get home. And I can always comfort her.

It's not easy. Pumping (the cleaning and maintenance of the whole process) can be a pain in the ass. I sometimes hate having to do it. I freak out a lot because my supply is going down (it almost always does at this time) and she's eating more and isn't on solids yet so there's going to come a time when there's less milk than she needs...

But all in all, that's one big thing.

I am sure there are tons of ways we would do it if nursing wasn't working for me. But what works for us now is the nursing thing.

The hardest part is the workload. It constantly feels like there isn't enough time and I don't get time to rest. And I get hardly any time to myself.

Which is why working is so great. I actually get to come to an office and talk to grown ups and be alone.

I didn't have much trouble coming back to work. I enjoy my job. I can focus on it. I don't let myself feel bad for not missing her the whole day long.

What's good for M* is this: a mom who is her own person, who loves her time with the baby, and who feels good about herself. With me working, she gets that.

It hasn't come easy. This has been a rough few months. Emotionally, I've been worried on and off about how good I am being to her. Physically, I am still exhausted from the 24-7 work and the lack of sleep.

And the lack of concentration is insane.

Must go back to work now...

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